You are What Your Childhood Dictated

When we entered this world we had every expectation of it being a grand and wonderful place. We no longer had to be cramped into that small space hooked up to a tube. And some of us did have a grand and wonderful life. But the truth is most people have the walk of the living dead. Life plagues them with problems they drag behind them and as the years go by the problems they drag become larger and larger till they think the weight will kill them. I’ve been there. I know.

But the power to change that lies only inside you. Most of us had childhood problems, abuse, painful confrontations with teachers, with our parents, with friends and family. We have felt lost and alone when no one was there for us. The multitude of problems dragged behind us is only there if we give them attention. That which we give our attention to grows. Flashbacks, unexpected memories that torment us lie in weight to catch us when we are at our weakest. All of what we experience in life is only a distraction, something to keep us from seeing how unhappy we are. We have a dark day when all we remember is our mother who was critical and harsh, seeming never to say a kind word to us. It tortures us so we head for the kitchen. Eating a big dish of ice cream distracts us from the painful memories. Or maybe we fix a drink. Even though it is only noon what do we care. We need to not think about what is making us unhappy. Cigarettes and sex are other good distractions and in today’s world marijuana is the ultimate, albeit it makes us dopy and robs us of our drive. And there are worse drugs then that. What do we care?  It takes away the emotional pain and that is all we want.

But all that we are, all the choices we make stem from our childhood either through inherited tendencies, environmental factors, abuses suffered, poor choices and the worst of all, having had parents that had never been trained for the job, had no expertise in the raising of a child and inflicted on us a great deal of pain, pain we carry to this day.

It is difficult to overcome all of this. We traveled a lot when I was growing up, from town to town, state to state, following the work of Elliott Construction Co. As a result I grew to love travel but hated not having any roots. My father made our travels fun, playing games, teaching us about the history of where we were next going to live, giving us small challenges like who could hold a lifesaver on their tongue the longest. Having a family dog caused us to love animals; having a large and loving Finnish clan on my mother’s side in Minnesota where we spent a lot of happy time is probably why today I have four children, fourteen grandchildren and expecting my 11th great-grandchild. Having a father who taught me how to play piano instilled my love for music, especially classical. Being involved in the rituals of the Catholic Church caused a deep love for God and his Blessed Mother that never left me, even in my darkest moments in the years that lay ahead.  My father taught me to be courageous, always taunting me into climbing a little higher in a tree, to swim a little faster in a river, to face the rigors of winter as he taught me how to use a 22 rifle to hunt rabbits with. He taught me responsibility by making sure I took my gun apart and cleaned it until I received his approval.  He hadn’t been a Marine for nothing. Having a mother who rewarded me for being such a hard worker by giving me more work than she gave my siblings (my sister dawdled at her chores – who wanted her to do the work) caused me to be a disciplined person. The list is long; this is what I got my from father; this is what I got from my mother; this is what I learned from my beloved grandmother; this is what my beloved grandfather gave me and so on.

Then we have the dark side. I became promiscuous as the result of my father raping me when I was thirteen, initiating five years of sexual, emotional and physical abuse. Somewhere inside that badly damaged heart and mind I thought that being a sexual being was the only value I had. I wonder where I learned that from?  I had the courage to run away from home when I was 18 after a beating from my father that almost killed me.  I was date raped more times than I can count. I tried to commit suicide over and over, always failing, someone always interfering. I made poor choices in my mates, choosing those who were sexually, physically and emotionally abusive. My father several times in the years ahead told me and anyone who would listen that I was no good, that I was unclean. I acted accordingly after I became an adult. I knew I was a really bad person. I fell away from my religion and entered a life of sexual excess, alcohol excess, addictions to men, especially bad guys. All of this was the me that developed from my growing up years, the good and the bad. I used to say if you took sex out of my life I’d be a near perfect person. I wasn’t being arrogant. I hated telling any kind of lie, was hardworking, loyal to my friends, a devoted and loving mother, a disciplined and intelligent student and employee. My integrity was tightly intact. I knew the difference between being good and being bad and only in the area of sex did I fail to achieve the high standards I set for myself.

We are all like that. We have a dark and a light side. As adults we are free to make our own choices. Some of us don’t know that. I didn’t know I could make healthier choices in my life if only I learned how. I didn’t know that I could go back into my childhood and remove all the bad messages, replacing them with healthy positive ones. I didn’t know that I could teach myself to have strong boundaries. I didn’t know that when someone asked me a question I didn’t want to answer I could say, “Why do you ask?” or “I’ll think about it and get back to you.” Protecting ourselves from the result of unhealthy choices isn’t an easy thing to learn when you were abused as a child. But it can be done. You and only you have the power to REPAIR yourself. The word Repair literally means to restore by replacing a part or putting together what is torn or broken; to restore to a sound or healthy state. What better word defines what one who was abused as a child needs to do.  After working that program I went from being married to my third abuser, suicidal, living with despair on a daily basis and living part time in a women’s shelter to being the happiest person I know.  You can do that as well. Go to the book page on our website, www.thelamplighters.org and find Repair Your Life. Read the many five star reviews and order a copy. Get started. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood and it’s never too late to let go of all the pain from your past and become your own happiest person you know.

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