The Sins of the Father

When you look at victims of incest and childhood sexual abuse, you are seeing only a part of the picture, albeit the largest part.  Behind every victim stands a perpetrator. Behind every perpetrator there is another perpetrator. This is a multi-generational problem where the sins of the father are literally heaped on today’s victims.

My father was my perpetrator. His father was a womanizer. They used to say “No woman is safe with George Leick”  (my grandfather). My best friend of more than 50 years died a few years ago of cancer.  Of her five siblings, four of them had cancer. Her mother died of cancer and all of her mother’s sisters either died of cancer or had cancer. Their mother, my friend’s grandmother, died of cancer. Their father was a perpetrator.  Look at the pyramid. And this is only what we know. If we go back into preceding generations there are no doubt many more perpetrators and victims. Destructive emotion is one of the primary causes of disease. Can you imagine the destructive emotion with which these family victims suffered. My friend said when she was a teenager her grandfather, who lived with them at the time, chased her around the house, grabbed her, pulled her blouse up and played with her breasts. When she complained to her mother, her mother said, “don’t pay any attention to him; he’s just a dirty old man.” I grew up hearing about a lot of “dirty old men”. When I began recovery my friend agreed to attend a Codependents Anonymous meeting with me. Upon leaving the meeting she said, “I think being codependent is noble.” My thoughts?  I wonder how they found me?

It all makes so much sense. If it weren’t so tragic it would be interesting, even mathematical. Healthy parents beget healthy children. If we travel back through the link of generations would there even be a healthy set of parents that started this chain? Or are the sins of the father meant to rain down on us forever?

We can only do something about the generations that are here now. If you look into the life of an incest victim they almost certainly were raised by one of two parents who is a perpetrator, or a grandparent that lived with the children who was the perpetrator. Sometimes it begins with an alcoholic parent who is married to a codependent, an enabler who permits the self-destructive behavior of the spouse to continue. That’s where another root begins. It is the source.

What do we do to end these cycles? Any child sexual abuse victim who completes recovery and has children has ended the cycle. The chances of any of her children becoming sexual abuse victims are very low.

For those of you who are asking yourself the question, “what exactly is recovery?”, there are many ways to complete recovery. My primary recommendation is to get the book REPAIR Your Life (it’s on amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com and also available off our website).  Feel free to email me at Margie@thelamplighters.org if you have any questions.  Completing a 12 step program such as Codependents Anonymous is also recommended. Some of you will need a therapist to guide you on your journey. Don’t just begin going to any therapist. Interview them first. Are they an expert on child sexual abuse and incest? Were they ever sexually abused? You have the right to ask these questions. If you are going to put your life in their hands you will need to know how knowledgeable and competent they are. Believe it or not I have heard of therapists who will tell their client, after being told about their sexual abuse problem, that it isn’t pertinent; this is now and that is in the past. I know of a Guidance Clinic who tells all their clients this. I have had their clients come to me in tears. They want to tell their story. They don’t understand why it is being dismissed so summarily. They need to tell their story.  It empowers them.

When I was growing up alcoholism was rampant but never referred to. It was usually just a drinking problem, not identified as the savage culprit it was. Then came Alcoholics Anonymous and little by little the world changed, for the better. Today there is a Twelve Step program for almost every problem. It is a Godsend.

The sins of the father are real. Make sure it stops with you. Begin the journey that will safe your life.

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *