Emotional Pain

I have blogged before about emotional abuse but I need to give some pointers on how to cope with emotional pain, something we all go through during our lifetime at one time or another whether we were abused or not. Before I got into recovery I had several ways of dealing with emotional pain: sobbing for hours, hysterics, chain smoking, rage, drinking, more sex and if all else failed, suicide attempts. Great choices, right. I’m not sure how I’ve managed to live this long since by rights God should have yanked me up a long time ago. Then I went through recovery. God decided I could stay awhile.

In the last four years I have lost my best friend, Peggy, my grandson, Michael and my older brother, Brian. That’s a lot of emotional pain. How did I deal with these tremendous losses? First, I cried. Then, when I had all the tears out of my system, I talked to God. Since I have a strong belief in the hereafter I’m sure all three of them will greet me after I drop my body. Talking to God helps, no matter what is the cause of your emotional pain.

Sometimes my memory wanders off into rooms best left not entered. I don’t let it stay long.  My rule of thumb is to never dwell on the past unless it is to learn a lesson or remember a joyful memory. (I’m still working on that one.) Never dwell on the future except to make plans or envision goals. This helps me to stay in present time more. Having gone through both the Repair program and a Twelve Step program I’m aware of the benefits of facing all the ghosts, then locking them into a trunk in an attic in your mind. Dealing with emotional pain in an unhealthy manner only brings more problems.

Do I ever think about my childhood abuse? Rarely. Sometimes a picture flashes and then it’s gone. There are times when I can see the benefits to dementia but I’m praying that’s not the road I’m going down. My abuse is part of what made me what I am today. Had I not gone through it I would not have developed the Repair program, I would not have founded The Lamplighter Movement and I would not have written my memoir, I Never Heard A Robin Sing. All that has gone before us has had a hand in molding what we have become. So today I try to stay objective about anything that brought me pain. I’ve developed a habit in this regard; I pull away mentally from any painful memory so that it becomes a picture standing by itself with the emotional pain I suffered only a faint scar. If ever I have a problem I’m having difficulty resolving I take a long walk and become my own therapist. Here’s a sample.

(It’s a good thing I only take Guinevere, our Golden Retriever, with me when I take my walk. Anyone watching would think dementia really had hit me.) It goes something like this: Hi Margie, what’s troubling you? I’m having a tough time dealing with missing my family (who are all in LA while I’m in northern AZ). They all are so busy with their own lives that I’ve become almost a memory to them. I don’t like that but in today’s age of the Internet, cell phones and other hand held gadgets, mom and grandmothers take a back seat. What can I do?  Let’s explore the options. Have you tried connecting with them more by phone or texting? My kids always respond; the grandkids are too busy. How about next time you go out there setting up specific movie or lunch dates with a different grandchild each time you go out? That’s an idea. Got any more? Encourage them to come out to Arizona to spend time with you. Well, I’ve tried that before and sometimes they do.   Why not try to be philosophical about it? Like what? Don’t you think that this is sort of the normal evolution in families? Besides, when you married Tom you knew you’d be moving out of state and wouldn’t be able to see them as often. Try accepting that as part of the price you paid. Everything has a price you know. Perhaps it would be a good idea to accept this but keep texting, inviting and spending separate time with each when you go to LA? You’re right. I feel better now. How much do I owe you?

It’s amazing how much wisdom you have that you can tap in to. Here’s some other ideas.

  • Journalize on a regular basis. Sometimes getting things down on paper you’re unhappy about means you’ve taken them out of you and they have less power to hurt you emotionally.
  • My daughter once said (when I was venting about something someone had done that annoyed me) “Why are letting that person live rent free in your head?” Remembering that helps.
  • Accept the inevitable, then think of solutions to manage the problem.
  • Sometimes, something that comes in to your life that seems a hardship becomes a blessing in disguise. Maybe losing your job sends you searching for one you like better.
  • Talk to God a lot. He really is your best friend.
  • Get your mind on something else. It doesn’t help to obsess. Read a good book, go to the movies, call a supportive friend, play cards on your computer (this does wonders for me).
  • Plan ahead; you’ll have less grief.
  • Find the humor and wisdom in some of life’s roadblocks.
  • Sitting on the pity pot gets you nowhere.
  • I cried because I had no shoes till I met a man who had no feet.
  • Remember that a good night’s sleep resolves a lot of difficulties and emotional pain.
  • Hug those you love, especially your pet. If you don’t have a pet consider getting one. Hugging Guinevere and talking to her always puts me in a euphoric mood.
  • Train yourself to think positive. Positive energy brings more positive energy. That which you put your attention on grows. If you obsess on something it is not going away.

I hope these help. Life is an ongoing experiment in how to make it better. Make yours better.

PS Buy a copy of It’s Your Choice, Decisions That Will Change Your Life (we have a book page on it on our website, www.thelamplighters.org)

 

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