Once again, I am going to write about the topic that appears to be of the most interest to my readers. As I have written of this before I may be repeating myself but if I am it bears repeating.
First remember the most important thing. This is YOUR body. It does not belong to anyone but you. When you are first born you need a caretaker to feed you, change your pants, bathe you, teach you to walk and talk and other vital needs. But once you have learned the basics this is your body. I am not talking about a parent that says, “don’t take that cookie.” I’m not talking about a parent that sends you to your room for hitting your sister or stealing. There is a moral code that must be taught you as you learn how to live. But at some point, it dawns on you. This is your body. At some age you can now bathe yourself. If you are uncomfortable at the age of five with Uncle Ben watching you bathe tell your parents to get rid of him. You have that right!!! If your mom wants to put your god father (who looks creepy to you – trust your gut) in bed with you tell her NO! You are sleeping on the couch. A parent who has your best interests at heart will understand. At some age you realize you have siblings. You may or may not get along with them. Your brother may be a bully. Your sister may enjoy tattling on you. You will meet other kids your age. They may or may not be interested in your body. Here’s where we start the real lesson. THIS IS YOUR BODY!!!
When I was about four my siblings and I along with other neighborhood kids decided to get behind a bush, pull our pants down and take a peak at each other’s privates. It was very interesting. Yours went out, mine went in, you got extra parts I didn’t get. How strange. Oh well. Enough of that game. Up went our pants and off to climb trees and play hide and seek, much more fun anyway.
A few years later I met a friend who was not only highly aggressive but at her tender age was already sensitive to the pleasures her private parts could give her. Me? I was not aggressive. I was passive. When my dad was in the war my mother had given me and my siblings daily and very controlling enemas. She said it was for our own good. Back then every time moms said something was for your own good it was bound to turn out to be just the opposite. It would be decades before a highly skilled child psychologist would tell me that it was ritualistic rape of four small children by a wife whose husband was away at war thereby depriving her of any sensual pleasures. The scars would haunt me for a long time. So by the time my friend got ahold of me I had already learned that I was not in charge of my own body. She had her way with me bringing me great shame and even more confusion. I think we called it playing doctor, something that most kids experimented with. Unless it was forced on you it wasn’t child sexual abuse. It was pleasurable wasn’t it? Your private parts are designed to be pleasurable. That’s what God intended when he decided to procreate the earth.
But now we get to the dark side. In REPAIR Your Life, Chapter Two I begin with the following paragraph:
Webster defines incest as “sexual intercourse between persons too closely related to marry legally.” It is a simple, almost clinical description that does not in any way imply trauma or abuse. The all-encompassing and often unspoken reality is much broader. Anyone in a position of power who coerces a person of lesser power into any sort of boundary violation dealing with their sexuality, either emotionally, mentally, or physically, is a sexual abuse perpetrator. This includes a grandfather who pins his granddaughter down while he fondles her breasts; a father who insists on watching his daughter, against her wishes, while she bathes; an older brother who forces his sister to do oral sex; and any other such boundary violation from the most minor to actual forcible entry and rape. It does not have to be a family member to have the same resultant despair. That despair, whether by a family member or an outsider, can be a life sentence of pain.”
I make my point!!! It is your body. You can scream, shriek, hit back, kick back and do anything you want to someone who is forcing you to do something with your body you don’t wish to be done. You have the right to tattle to your parents, to your teacher, to your family doctor or anyone who you trust who may be able to help defend you. Once that perpetrator gets ahold of your body it is already too late. You will grow up with scars too painful to recognize, too damaging to repair and too shameful to deal with. And remember! The primary reason we are having problems getting a handle on child sexual abuse is because people are afraid to tell what happened to them. Don’t be afraid. You are the VICTIM here! You are not the perpetrator. If someone stole something from you would you be afraid to scream for help? Of course not. You may have a deep core of shame in you that is keeping you from getting help but that core of shame was not put there by you. It was put there by your perpetrator.
Don’t wait until it is too late. And most importantly remember that children of an untreated incest abuse victim stand a five times greater chance of being sexually abused themselves. Don’t let this happen to your children. Most importantly, don’t let this happen to you.
PS When I was in recovery I realized that I was not a body with a soul; I was a soul with a body and that no matter what was done to my body you could not touch my soul.