Abuse Victim Profile


Do you fit the profile of a victim of incest or child sexual abuse?
Check any of the following individual behavior patterns that fit you.

  1. People-pleasing and rescuing
  2. Insomnia
  3. Excessive need to control
  4. Obsessive, compulsive behavior patterns
  5. Needy
  6. Low self-esteem
  7. Suicidal
  8. Weak boundaries
  9. Unhealthy choices in members of the opposite sex
  10. Neurotic tendencies
  11. Addictions: drugs, alcohol, sex, food, relationships
  12. Eating disorders
  13. Chronic illness
  14. Manic-depressive behavior (emotional extremes of highs and lows)
  15. Severe depression

Now it’s time to take a look at the other common denominators of a child who has been sexually abused, the family system ones. This is the forest that your trees (the individual common denominators) grew under. Check which of the following family systems common denominators fit you.

  1. Patriarchal (or matriarchal) family system
  2. Obedient/co-dependent mother (father)
  3. Religiously regimented household
  4. Eldest daughter
  5. Alcoholic (or other addiction) parent
  6. Family history of sexual boundary violators

Three Reasons Why Child Sexual Abuse Victims Fail to Get Help

EXPOSURE – They fear exposure. What will other people think if they came out of hiding?

EDUCATION – They lack the correct description of what happened to them. Webster defines incest as “sexual intercourse between persons too closely related to marry legally.” It is a simple, almost clinical description that does not in any way imply trauma or abuse. The all-encompassing and often unspoken reality is much broader. Anyone in a position of power, who coerces a person of lesser power into any sort of boundary violation dealing with their sexuality, either emotionally, mentally, or physically, is a sexual abuse perpetrator. This includes a grandfather who pins his granddaughter down while he fondles her breasts, a father who insists on watching his teenage daughter, against her wishes, while she bathes, an older brother who forces his sister to do oral sex, and any other such boundary violation from the most minor to actual forcible entry and rape. It does not have to be a family member to have the same resultant despair. That despair, whether by a family member or an outsider, can be a life sentence of pain.

ENLIGHTENMENT – This means to illuminate and is based on full comprehension of the problems involved. Research shows (see the ACE Study at www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/ace) that when people fail to get into a recovery program, it will catch up with them. Usually in their late thirties to forties, people find that they must address what happened to them. They either begin to have health problems, find they are suffering from severe codependent problems or other difficulties. When you suffer from child sexual abuse it is as if you have been wounded. The process of healing an infected wound often requires lancing. If not done immediately, the infection can spread through the body and perhaps cause death. This is, figuratively speaking, what happens to a child who has been sexually molested. Once lanced, a wound will heal, eventually leaving only a faint scar. In REPAIR, we are lancing the wound, but as we do so, we are applying ointment. It is not a fearful process, but it does require courage.

It’s never too late to get into incest recovery or recovery from child sexual abuse, sexual assault, rape or domestic violence. Start with either joining a Lamplighters support group near you or starting your own. Be a part of the Lamplighter movement. The current Chapters are shown as star bursts on the map on the home page. Email me at margie@thelamplighters.org for exact locations. If there is none near you, consider starting one. It’s so easy, costs nothing and will change your life and the lives of other victims as well. See details on the Start Your Own Group page.

  1. #1 by laura on March 8, 2010 - 11:43 pm

    We have Domestic Violence Support Groups held every Wednesday from 11:00 – 12:30p.m. If anyone is interested, please refer to the center and set up an appointment with the advocates. Laura Garcia or Ellen Larson!!

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  2. #2 by Valerie on May 13, 2010 - 10:35 pm

    I am a victim of a sexual predator I met online when I was 14. Is there a website/blog/group that’s more specific to my type of situation? I have found many rape/incest victims’ groups, but am hoping to talk with women who have gone through similar situations as I have.

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  3. #3 by Marjorie McKinnon on May 14, 2010 - 12:25 am

    Our Lamplighter chapters have women from every conceivable sexual assault. The basic principle that defines one defines them all. I feel that you would beneft greatly from being in a chapter. Where do you live? We might have a chapter near you. Also, please check out the program REPAIR Your Life: A Program for Recovery from Incest & Childhood Sexual Abuse. Amazon.com has them for around $14 and there are several five star reviews on them at my amazon site that will encourage you to want to start that program. Please let me hear back from you and hang on, help is on the way.

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  4. #4 by Marjorie McKinnon on May 15, 2010 - 11:59 pm

    Valerie, I apologize. I thought I had sent you an answer but can’t find it so maybe not. Where do you live? I can check to see if we have a Lamplighter chapter there. Most of our chapters are familiar with just about any problem regarding sexual abuse. I don’t know of any specific ones websites but you might try google. I see that when I typed in “help for a victim of sexual predator on line” there were several choices. One might help you. While you have a specific type of sexual abuse problem the root cause of all of them is the same; unable to set boundaries, low self esteem etc. Check my website for more of these. I would encourage you to get the book REPAIR Your Life: A Program for Recovery from Incest & Childhood Sexual Abuse. Amazon.com has them for about $14 and also has several 5 star reviews.

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  5. #5 by karen on May 19, 2010 - 2:54 am

    Please help me find help in New Jersey.I’m retired, 60 and really need to heal from incest, rapes,body issues .Thank you and God bless you.

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  6. #6 by Marjorie McKinnon on May 19, 2010 - 9:06 pm

    Karen,
    Thank you for your email. I’m afraid we have no Lamplighter chapters in New Jersey. I have some other suggestions for you. If you could get a copy of REPAIR Your Life: A Program for Recovery from Incest & Childhood Sexual Abuse (amazon.com has them for less than $14 and also has several 5 star reviews) and begin working the program it would help so much. That program (which I devised while I was going through recovery from incest myself) took me from being married to my 3rd abuser, suicidal, filled with despair and living part time in a women’s shelter to being the happiest person I know. Is there any chance you could start a chapter yourself? It’s so easy and I could email you a copy of the Lamplighter Facilitator Guide that explains how to start one. That would put you in touch with all of our other facilitators, most of whom are survivors themselves. Also, if you could find a CoDependents Anonymous chapter near you and start going to their meetings it would help a great deal. The operator should have a phone # of the local chapter. Please stay in touch and let me know how you are doing. It’s a tough journey you are facing and I know how you are feeling. I’ve been there and know you can heal. Take care, Margie

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  7. #7 by Marjorie McKinnon on May 24, 2010 - 8:33 pm

    Hi Karen,
    We don’t have a Lamplighter chapter in your area but I would recommend getting the book REPAIR Your Life and begin working the program. Amazon.com has them for around $14 and you can see the 5 star reviews I have on their. Just type in amazon.com, then type in REPAIR Your Life and it will take you right to my site. Is there any chance you would be interested in starting a Lamplighter chapter in your area? It’s so easy and I can email you the Lamplighter Facilitator Guide that explains how to start one. Take care and stay in touch. Margie

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  8. #8 by Leitha on June 11, 2010 - 9:48 am

    I am 52 years old and have only shared my history with my therapist. My older sister has asked a question that, I fear, my reaction to surely indicated the truth. But, I have not spoken the words to her. I know she was physically abused, and emotionally abused, but I, the youngest child, was the one sexually abused. I do not want to share it with her, because, after many years of struggle, she has found forgiveness for him. I have not gotten there, and do not want to open new wounds or cause her to find new hatred for him. I do not want to lose control of my truth. Does that make sense to anyone but me? If I tell, outside of the therapist/client confidence – there is no guarantee my truth will not be shared outside of the realm of people I would choose to tell. I lose control — again. I have no local chapter of support, but do belong to an on-line support group and have therapy once a week. I constantly see where it is the “eldest daughter”…and that is not true in my situation. Did I do something to make it happen when it hadn’t happened before?

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  9. #9 by Marjorie McKinnon on June 14, 2010 - 9:55 pm

    Hi Leitha,
    First of all, anyone abused NEVER did anything to make it happen. What happened between your sister and your father is something she will have to figure out and decide what to do about. Yes, it usually is the oldest daughter but in your case it might not have followed that pattern. Your sister may or may not have also been sexually abused. My guess is she probably was. You might look at some of the other characteristics of a sexually abused child (they are listed on the website) and see if any of them pertain to her. But again, taking care of yourself is your first priority. If she comes to you and asks what happened to you then you might want to share it but until then I would just be there if she needs you. I’m not sure if I answered your question or not. If I didn’t, then rephrase it and we’ll give it another try. If you feel you need help I would get ahold of REPAIR Your Life: A Program for Recovery from Incest & Childhood Sexual Abuse. Amazon.com has them pretty cheap and also has several 5 star reviews that may encourage you to begin working the program. That program took me from being married to my 3rd abuser, suicidal, filled with despair and living part time in a women’s shelter to being the happiest person I know. Also, I would see if there’s a Lamplighter chapters in your area. If not, you might want to start one. I can email you the Lamplighter Facilitator Guide that shows how easy it is. Have you tried CoDependents Anonymous. I went through their 12 step program while in recovery and it was a great help. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do or if you need something else answered. Take care of yourself! Margie

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